I felt good. I took a whole THC gummy a friend gave me. I thought he was giving me this bag of them because he has given me so much and then I looked like an ass leaving asking where were the gummies. But I am going to text him and thank him tomorrow because I had one of those gummies tonight and did not care that I was hurting. I still hurt but I feel good. My appetite is back tonight! I haven’t had one for weeks. I wanted a caesar salad and had romaine. I looked at my pecorino romano and it was really hard and not usable but I remmebered suddenly I had bought another from somewhere and never opened it. So I got fresh pecorino romano on my caesar salad and just because I’m absolutely insane, I sauteéd shrimp in butter and seafood seasoning and put on top of it. It’s the best caesar of my life. I cant tell you how wonderful it is to enjoy food.
Anyway My dad was over tonight hanging out because he’s somehow the most patient man God ever incarnated as and insanely forgiving. He told me he read my brothers this poem I gave him for Father’s Day. It was just for him so I hadn’t posted it to the blog before but I thought I’d share it now to better illustrate this moment we had. Goonie was our only childhood pet really growing up. He’s a dog who was left at a house we had rented out and we brought him home and kept him. The name was alredy his. We just kept calling him Goonie. It’s really a cool name for the day and age so it was perfect, really.
He started crying relaying to me how he showed this poem I printed as you see it here and framed for him for Father’s Day this year, and my brother’s read it and he said they did exactly what he did. They read it aloud until they got to To drop in and say hello and they started crying and had to read the rest aloud. A lot of crap has happened between my brothers and me mostly as adults and it’s water under the bridge as far as I’m concerned but I also had to grow past them for many reasons that are too personal to get into. Let me be clear, it’s all my fault. But at the same time some of the choices I made that led us to not speaking today were gut decisions that my soul was telling me I had to make.
There are wounds that will definitely heal and also wounds that probably shouldn’t heal and absolutely don’t need to. At the end of the day you’ve got God living inside you, right? Nothing can ever go too wrong. I’ve heard stories about people who just sail to sea without any provisions to survive and wake up every morning to a fish or two lying on the deck where it just flopped onboard. Rain storms for fresh water to collect. That’s God. You can’t tell me it’s not because all of this is God. The Devil is God. Y’all God is all there is. Monotheism says YOUR GODS ARE FAKE ONLY MINE IS REAL. True Spirituality recognizes there is ONLY GOD and that everything is just playing a role here specifically for us.
It’s wild.
You’re taught to be selfless, and I thought I was growing up. I made an effort to put others above myself. But I did so to the extent that I forgot to love myself to the extent I need to. I’m having to learn to forgive myself, love myself, and trust God all at once. It’s a complete rewiring of the brain but it’s what I’m here to do. It was supposed to be this hard. I have GOT to stop whining. And I’m really not whining. I’m nothing but grateful for how great a night I had. I got to listen to my Dad sing Church songs I hadn’t heard in over 30 years that made me cry.